You might not believe it, but I have news about nose hair: It’s growing in popularity, I mean, literally people growing the hair inside their nose!Recent surveys suggest it’s thought to be the most attractive form of bodily hair and ‘a thing’ for nasal hair- the most common sexual fetish. In fact, glamour magazine ‘Nasal Hair Matrons’ pays more than double the hourly-rate for models with hirsute nostrils, such is the demand for them.
“The nose is back in vogue. Some tribes have always known about the nose. Some touch noses instead of kissing,” said Martin Nez, the magazine’s editor.
But it isn’t just the world of publishing that has sniffed an opportunity to make a buck out of the latest craze. Scientists are now working on gene therapy that can promote nasal hair growth and pharmaceuticals are trialling a nasal spray that can triple nasal hairs.Meantime, shops are selling nasal hair wigs. They come in a variety of colours: ginger, fair, blonde, black, brunette and even mauve and green. Besides wigs, hairs can also be bought individually and are prized for the small differences in length and style. Some boutiques sell gold-plated nasal hairs for a cool one million dollars, others are using nano-technology to store personal information on them. It doesn’t seem to matter that you can only see it under a microscope, the ‘nasal hair tattoo’ is the latest way to express your undying love for someone you quite like.
The film industry has also seen the impact of nasal hair on its screens. Martial art combat scenes are more popular than ever, as when characters fight they tend to flare their nostrils. Likewise, melodramatic court room scenes that allow close ups of indignant lawyers showing displeasure or pondering an alibi are up by 36%.
“Without doubt my sexiest co-star also has the best nasal hair, I think the two go together,” remarked Hollywood star Melissa Nozdrell. “If my co-star doesn’t have a decent hedge I’m not making a film with him.”Perhaps the columns of agony aunts and uncles will never be the same, either. In a recent letter to a major newspaper, a women complained about her boyfriend’s tiny nasal hairs. “My boyfriend is loving and caring, does all the housework, walks the dog, changes our baby’s nappies, earns all our income, but has tiny nasal hairs...” an anonymous reader bemoaned.
Agony Aunt Cherie Snivv said, “It’s not the size of your nasal hairs, it’s what you do with them,” but other readers were having none of it. “You need to get yourself a real man,” one advised. Perhaps her boyfriend should get himself a nasal hair transplant. Hundreds of nasal-hair-challenged people are knocking on the door of Harley Street trichologist, Dr Fasal Tush, who it’s said can give perform the perfect nasal hair implant, but at a cost. “I hope to see affordable treatment in every major city within a decade,” Dr Tush explains.
There was a wild rumour about the existing of underground extremist subculture known as 'skinnose', a pared-down machismo group that loathe the hairy people. They skin their nose bald with some obscure tools equipped with some kind of stainless rotary blade.
pics: some obscure 'weapons' that has been used by 'skinnose' group. Click picture for details.
Thankfully, for every bald nosed man, many more young men sport very fine nasal ponytails and extensions, which sometimes join up with their moustaches...At the last Mr and Mrs Nasal Hair Universe ceremony one young man had so much nasal hair he confessed he was unable to breathe through his nose, and almost died when kidnapped in his native Colombia: by nasal hair traffickers, ironically.
Finally, no town is complete without a Nasal Hair Salon. A wash, cut and blow dry is essential for the modern girl or guy who follows the latest trends. The best salons use tiny hair driers designed for nasal hairs and nasal hair shampoo that doesn’t make you sneeze. If you’ve just been to one of these salons yourself, give us a wave. We love to see style.